I've been told by my parents...
Jun 19, 2010, 01:00:39
Mood: guilty
Listening To: Go Not Gently - Jason Shaw
...that the person I'm in love with is not in love with me. As a European foreigner, they will "use my status as a native-born US citizen to slip into the country".
...that I will end up having to support them "out of necessity, not choice," since they know I plan to become an MD with an income large enough to allow them to stay unemployed.
...that I am infatuated, have no self-esteem and no sense of proper standards since I "went with the first person that seemed decent", despite the fact that that I refused to date anyone in high school and 3/4ths of undergrad because I didn't ascribe to the hook-up mentality or the practice of serial monogamy.
...that I am "too young for an exclusive romantic relationship" at almost 22 years of age.
...that there is "no point in being in such a relationship" unless marriage follows within a year or two.
...that if I wanted to propose to them later than that, it would be detrimental to me, since I was "sure to run into better prospects" for marriage in the interim of 5+ years, but be unable to enter into a relationship with "the right person for me" because I had "stuck myself to someone else too early".
...that I was entrapped by "emotional blackmail", that the only thing keeping me from separating was "that I was too afraid of hurting their feelings".
...that I am devoid of morality for "having the gall to invite an unmarried, unrelated person of the opposite sex to our house alone" just for an afternoon visit.
...that they are devoid of morality for accepting my invitation and not "declining to keep themselves out of a compromising situation".
...that since I said I was not trying to rebel against them or "catch up with my peers" in the dating aspect, they "must have pressured me into" an exclusive relationship. With the exception of family and close friends, apparently I am incapable of making decisions as to who I choose to love.
...that they would not care if I broke up with them abruptly because they had "already gotten what they wanted" and were "using me all along".
...that the absolute guide of moral behavior is from God - an atheist, no matter how tolerant or ethical, could only be guided by their "gut feelings" and were incapable of moral behavior because they did not look to Him.
...that "my association with them" was responsible for my "faithlessness". In fact, my agnosticism had developed from 12 years of parochial school and disgust with the Church's treatment of child abuse scandals, the refusal of the Vatican to budge on the ban on any contraception - even for married couples with children - in the face of the catastrophic HIV infections sweeping the African continent, and the entire upper echelon of the ordained authorities (pope, cardinals, priests) barred women, no matter how devout or pious, from ascending to their ranks.
...that their pledge to devote their life to me, always be there to support me, to never force me to choose between them and family, and to respect my decision to leave the relationship if I wanted to without any questions were "empty promises".
...that the countless heartfelt times they called me darling and told me they loved me were "deceptive sweet nothings" and that they would "say anything so long as they got what they wanted from me".
...that a relationship with them and the track of study to earn an MD could not coexist, as I had to "give 100% effort to succeed in medicine", that I "could not give 50% to it and 50% to them" because despite the Atlantic Ocean I would "still be thinking of them, and that would serve as nothing but a distraction".
...that I am to cease all contact with them, and am forbidden from entering into any exclusive romantic relationship while I am studying - this covers medical school and university.
...that in the past I had always had their support, but now I would have to obey to earn it.
...that it was my choice: if I didn't rid myself of this "opportunistic, godless creature not worth my tears, time, or trust", then the tuition money needed to finish my degree would be permanently withheld.
...that they did this because they cared for me too much to allow me to "deny myself a bright future".
__________________________
To think that I'd thought honesty was the best policy, especially with family.
To think that I believed them for 21 years when they assured me they were tolerant Catholics, and that their support was unconditional.
To think that less than an hour before I was given the ultimatum, I had just wished my Sel a happy 23rd birthday
